autumn

I woke up at 3am and just couldn't fall asleep again. After a few minutes of browsing the net, I decided to finally watch that movie I've always had in my phone but never got around to watching. 500 days of Summer.

What the hell. There's no other movie I could relate more to right now.

I'm her 4 year and 5 month rebound.

And how did I come up with that conclusion? Well.. ganito kasi un.
She loves/d me but she was never really in love with me. Not at all. Not in the least bit. She was happy (I think) but maybe she was never really elated to be with me. You know that feeling where you know there is nothing else in the world that is better? Yah. That feeling of knowing.

I know it wasn't my fault. I was so hurt the couple of days because I've only remembered all the good days we had. And boy, there were a lot. I've always seen the best about her. How she's kind and loving. How she can make anyone laugh. How she gives. I still remember that right now. I'll always see her that way.

Now I also remembered that..
.. It took her a year to get over her ex while she was with me. She was even excited to go to Tagaytay (even spearheaded the planning) with her friends when her ex arrived. Of course bawal ako dun. But I was a foolish trusting person that time pa e. And many more ex stories.
.. No excitement about monthsaries or anniversaries or birthdays or whatever.. while I planned to the nose for those kind of things.
.. Would rather be with friends than be with me. For some reason, she couldn't cancel whatever they had planned even if I was pissed at her. Or would act all weird if I stuck too often and too near her. I can hear her mental "Shoo. Go away".
.. I fell over and over and over again even though she breaks my heart after every flirting episode.
.. Says sorry but it seems that she never means it.. knows I get wrecked but still does it again. Over and over again.
.. Freaks out whenever talk of kids or marriage (especially marriage) is brought up. I don't have plans yet. I like to keep that option open. But I've never freaked out that hard over it.
.. In constant need of space.

Space. Most people said it's because we were never apart. But they're wrong. I'm at the office from 9am to 9pm. I see friends. She has all the time for her friends and other hobbies. I get to see her for about 2 hours a day. I talk to her for about 30 mins before I lose her again to whatever it was she was doing before. Those 30 minutes are the only reason I hurry home.

I know it's not wrong to love her with all my heart. Most people look for that.
I wasn't trying to push myself upon her. I was just trying to be present.

In retrospect, my only mistake was being too present. I should have been an asshole but I'm not. Could not. Would not. I think that's the problem. She gets bored with the nice ones. Maybe she hasn't gotten over pining for the #medyobadboy.

I don't think she means to be an asshole to me. I think she can't help it at all. Because when everyone has settled and I'm snoring beside her.. When she's all alone, she knows something is missing. Na I'm not enough. And I think that's why she's being an asshole.

I kept on replaying that moment. I kept thinking that maybe I shouldn't have gotten angry. I should have accepted her apology.. But I had every right to be angry. I had every right to walk out.

The thing is.. we have different definitions of love. Love for me is her Papa Ludz and Mama Babes. Her grandparents in Bacolod. My mom and stepdad. The couple on UP (toon movie with balloons and all). I just don't know what it means for her.

I've decided to just stop crying.. mostly because I've been crying for a couple of years now. It's not my job to change her. My job was only to hold her when she's upset.. And if she changes, I do hope I'm still here to love whatever she has become. I would like that very much. But like Tom in the movie, I'll look forward to my first day with Autumn.

it's ok.

I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today so you can cry
If that's what you want, alright
I'll ask the clouds to bring the rain for you today so you can cry.

polka dot hearts

People don't realize it but we poke holes in each other's hearts everyday.
Poke and poke. And love just bleeds out of you each time. They think it's ok because they can just refill hearts with love anyway.
And like an idiot, it does fill up again. Cool, huh? Poke. Bleed. Fill. It's a sick cycle.
We keep poking until there's just too many holes to bleed out of. And no matter how many times or how fast you fill it up, love just bleeds out even faster.
Polka dot hearts.
All we're left with are polka dot hearts. Cute.
I don't know if hearts can heal. I hope they do. It would be scary if it doesn't. I don't know how this is supposed to work. Maybe you're supposed to throw it away and another person just gives you a new one instead.

tsk tsk

You know that moment when you just can't help but go 'tsk'?

For me, it's when your girlfriend literally just freaks out when people (her cousins, high school friends, really really close friends) ask her if she wants to get married to me. Seriously? I don't get it. It's like the nth time people asked her.

I realized that I'm never, should never and will never ask her to marry me. Funny thing is, I used to be sure. My answer was simple.

Honestly, it's insulting. Hahaha.. I know I'm not the 'best catch' she'll have. I know she'll probably be happy with someone else. But dude, can't she just say that 'we're not yet thinking about it' instead of just right out saying 'waaaaa blah blah blah'?

Tsk. The look on other people's faces when they hear her say that and then turn to take a quick peek at my reaction? Priceless. Awkward. Should I just laugh? Roll my eyes? I guess my default answer of "You wish" or "Swerte mo ah" will have to suffice.

For the record, I can take very good care of any other person I choose to spend my life with. She should be asking me. And should be so lucky.

Going home..

I miss Cebu sometimes. I miss the laid back every days. I miss the simple things in life.
I miss home.

...

But I think my home has become this girl that I wake up to every morning and come home to every night.
I can't be too whiny about that.. :)

Hallow--een.

Friendster always has fun halloween parties for the kids. Fun for me 'coz I didn't have to work. Who can honestly concentrate with these little piggies running around? Kids this size scare the hell out of me. I always have this weird feeling I might forget to look down and accidentally squish one of them.

 (counting the hoard)

 (matagal nang hindi nalinisan ni Ate Ana!)

Our new QA engineer. Ayaw pa disturb ni ate butterfly! Serious sa work!

Canddyyyyyy..

Almost got ya..

Seriously. Taking pictures of these kids reminds me of taking pictures of puppies. All fur and blur.

Haha! I knew I'd get ya! Isn't she such a cutiepie? :)

There were more than 30 kids at the office. I tried to take pictures of their really cute costumes but I didn't have enough candies to bribe them into standing still. Little extortionists!!

Manananggal ni kuya guard. Galing no? It's made of basuro. He just carved it. Asttegg.

On a side note, things have been getting better. Talking helps I guess.. :)

I dunno why she likes to stick her face into my armpit when she sleeps. But me thinks it's cute.. 

And I think I'm gaining weight. Love for food (I can't even blame stress eating. I'm not stressed at all.) + being a couch potato = Flabs. I hate the holidays. I always have a headstart on gaining weight. It's only October and I have eaten 5 pounds. I wonder what I'll look like come January. Oh well.. Eat Pray Love! :)

bridge rappelling and free fallingggggg....

Phew.

My second happiness post.

I went with the TEAZONE group last Saturday to try bridge rappelling and free-falling.

The bridge is estimated to be just above 8 storeys high. The first jump was a warm up. Swiss style is just easy breezy.  See that stupid grin on my face? That's how easy it was.

Now the Aussie style (ala Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible) is a different story. You have to contemplate the meaning of life. It makes you think 'why on earth am I doing this?'. Why do I have to deal with strap wedgies? I also had the flu while doing this so pictures were the last thing on my mind. It sucked that I was sick while doing the Aussie. Imagine trying to reassure the belayer (my life depends on her) that there is no threat of dropping mucus.

This is Jeff doing the Aussie before free-falling. I forgot to ask them to take a picture of me doing it. Sucks. When you think your life is ending, you don't want them to have a souvenir. I won't make the same mistake next time. hehehe 

 Cold Cold Cold river. Its a nice swim after the adventure.

You can find TEAZONE of Facebook. Join the group if you're anything like us. They also offer rock climbing and bouldering, etc. Fees are usually from 500php to 1000php.

That's all folks. Til the next adventure!!