Friday, October 3, 2014

dear awi,

i have a suspicion that we are happy inside our bubble. it's when other people come in that ruins it for us. 

but it's not true, is it? this bubble? 

i know you'll never agree to this. not even in my wildest dreams. 
not even if i pray real hard. 
not even if i beg and bleed.
despite that, i still want you to know i'll always want an "us". i'll keep on rooting for this team. i hope someday you'll be brave enough to admit you want that same "us".  but i want it to be our definition. not just mine.

did it ever occur to you that maybe i'm not a substitute for a love that was lost? maybe this was the love you were supposed to find. or not. haha. there are so many maybes. it's fucked up.
all i know is that whatever this is, it scares the shit out of you.

i know it's hard but i was hoping you would choose me over that pain. to just breathe beside me now. 

i guess.. it's choosing to be happy that proves to be the most difficult because in that head of yours, you don't really want to be happy. at least not yet.

it's ok. i want you to choose to break my heart instead. i'll live.


idiot 101

the hardest part of loving someone you're not supposed to love is knowing exactly when to stop.
we're idiots, you see? i'm the leader. and i'm still struggling, ok?

but do you want to know a secret? i may have finally figured it out.

just let her break your heart faster than she can heal it. then maybe it will remain broken. and it won't beat for her again.

i don't know if that's what i really want -- a broken heart that will never beat for me nor for anyone else. i'm still working out the kinks. but nobody should ever get used to feeling lonely. feeling all this pain.

i guess.. all i really want is for a heart to beat with mine. not another heart to beat for.