walk away

i knew the exact moment you became more than just another face in the crowd.

and no, it wasn’t your smile nor how you unknowingly put one on my face as well.
it wasn't how you seem to put everything in perspective.
no, it wasn't how cute you were when you said that the moon is just as big as my thumbnail. hmm.. the night sky does not seem so sad anymore.

it was when i started to read your words, every letter flowing out through your mouth that wells from your heart.
i didn't realise.. i never would have guessed. i awoke one day and suddenly valued the things that you hold dear. family friends career.

but the shitty thing about that is i also started feeling so selfish. just unbelievably selfish..
when i realised i almost broke you.. broke me.. broke the people around us.. just to keep you. with me. just a few more seconds of you.

there is no better way to make you feel the scope of how much i feel for you.
i will say good bye. not because i'm afraid. not because i have given up.
i choose your heart even if it shatters mine. keep your heart whole, babe.
i hope, one day, you will see how much you have meant to me. sometimes, missing you can be just as strong as loving you.

best things in life

you know what the best thing about you is? 

you don’t notice it.. but people want to give you the world and you’re not even asking for it.
you’re only asking for a kitkat bar. or someone who’ll listen to you talk about the level of stupidity some people can attain.
you’re not asking for a hero nor perfection because you know it doesn’t exist.
but then i want to try to be perfect anyway.. not because you demand it.. but because i think you deserve someone like that (or at least close to it). you make me want to be a better person.

you don’t see it.. but you do deserve the world. 
you deserve to be loved fiercely or none at all.

fear

stop being stupid. 

there’s nothing wrong with your love. 

your love is awesome. and whole. 

it’s the people you’re loving that is the problem. fear. just too much of it. she has to be fearless.

so hold her hand. don’t let go.

be fearless for the both of you until she learns that fear is not real.

but never let go of her hand.
because your hand is the only thing that is real. you are real. 

Did you hurt me?

No.

Not enough to cripple me.

It’s the nipped-in-the-bud kind of hurt. The hurt that knows this is never going to blossom into anything more, no matter how beautiful I think it is or should be.

It’s the kind of hurt that is sorry it will never see that it will become.

It’s not meaning a thing to anyone but letting someone be all that is meaningful to you.

It’s the kind of hurt where you’re running towards a cliff, all poised for flight.. but you stumble on a stupid pebble and fall face first. You get up.  And smile.. you're even thankful.. knowing you didn’t jump off a cliff. But it still fucking hurts bitch.

It does hurt.

But I can force a laugh. I can do it all night if I have to. And someday soon, that laugh will be real.

something stupid like i love you

i'm not going to tell you something stupid like "i'll climb the highest mountains for you and pick some shitty flower that only grows there".. 

nope. the truth is, i'll probably freeze my ass off and die before i even get to that mountain.

all I really want is to be wrapped in you. and if you let me.. i'll make you fall in love with me every day.

how?

How, you ask? 

Some days, I’ll bring you flowers and chase you around until you accept it. I promise to never stop chasing.

Most of the time, I’ll just sit quietly beside you. I may look bored. I probably am so don’t deprive me by hiding behind the menu whenever I stare at you.

Some moments, I’ll ask you to dance with me. All I really want is to be wrapped in you. I’ll whisper things only you should hear.

At times, I’ll bug the shit out of you and make you want to punch all of my teeth out.

At other times, I won’t even talk to you at all. I’ll just send you a picture of something fluffy. And just say "flufffyyyy!!!" and "My tea is yummy!". And you’ll think I’m just making small talk. But I want to tell you even the most insignificant details of my life because all that I think about are thoughts of you and how you might be doing, too. 

There are days where I’ll talk until your ear bleeds and you start imagining the many ways you’ll rip my vocal chords out.

Some days, I won’t even say as much. Not even a hi. Or my usual "waddup!”. And you’ll think I love you less.. that I only love you sometimes.

So this is how I will love you … a complete mess. But never doubt that I love you.

ladies and gentlemen

everyone is different. 
 
i am not saying this to pass judgment upon others. it is just my personal opinion that 'playing around' is not very challenging. 

it bores me. 
i've always had the impression that it's easier to get girls than to keep women. relationships are hard work.

gentlemen/women do exist. it is not a weakness. it is my strength. people feel safe around me because i keep them safe. it's not a coincidence. 

i am a gentleman to my core and i refuse to change that. lels.
so, YOU.. yes YOU J.. i will see you soon. wait for me.