Roots

 My love is deeply rooted.

A seed that found its place, when first I glimpsed your face.

Though time and distance kept us apart, that seed lay dormant, 

Waiting patiently beneath the surface.

After all these years, it has sprouted into a tender tree, 

Delicate yet resilient. 

I know this tree is still so young, its branches small and thin,
But like my love, it will grow stronger
A force that even the strongest storms cannot win.

(Although, it was never weak in the first place)

These roots have woven through my soul,
Entwining every inch of me.
They anchor deep, beyond my hold,
A bond that breathes in all I am.

Should you choose to uproot it, I fear the very earth beneath it would crumble,
For you hold the power to unravel me completely.

But I pray you choose to water it,
To let it drink the rain.

My deepest wish, my most cherished hope,
Is that we’ll tend our garden together,
With patience and tenderness,

Until it blossoms into a sanctuary,
Where we can rest beneath its gentle shade.

Why?

You’ve often asked why I love you,

And each time, I fumble with words—

Not for lack of feeling, but simply because I do not have the words to capture it.

My love, I am no poet.

To simply praise your beauty feels like touching the surface of an ocean,
When what I feel for you runs deep,
Far beyond the reach of mere appearance.

The truth is, I cannot predict the future;
It's a vast, uncharted sea.
I carry fears within me, countless as the stars—
Fears of the unknown, fears of what may come.
But even in the face of these fears,
I find myself drawn to the journey,
Eager to see what lies ahead.

And in that unknown,
I know one thing with certainty:
I want to walk this path with you by my side,
To face the dawns and dusks together,
To discover the future hand in hand.

I know I love you,
For despite my fears, 

I find myself standing here.

I love you because,

In your presence, 

I forget what it means to be afraid.

For with you,
I am brave. I am home.
And with you,
Even though, I yearn to be more than I am..
I am also enough.

I've had conversations with friends asking me why I did the things I did (referring to skydiving, scuba, etc). I've never really given a concrete answer - I just told them I was "curious".

It always felt like it was not enough of a reason and gave me a bad taste in my mouth.

In reality, I just did not want to ask them why they are guarding themselves so much. What is the goal? To reach 90? And then what? 

(P.S. I'm not an idiot. I do have savings in case I reach 90 hahahaha)

I've often asked myself these questions. I know I am not a bad person. I have been judged for giving myself to people whom I know cannot repay me. I have always believed you cannot love a person who is gone. So love now. Give now. Live now. 

If I die young, I will have one regret though. I would have loved to wake up with my person and prepare coffee for her in our kitchen. Then tended to our garden while she stayed in the shade because she will probably kill my plants if she as much as winked at them. We would have prepared lunch together. Our humba would be renamed/rebranded as adobo since we didn't get our measurements right.

God willing, I do hope to deserve that too. 

But ohhh man, I know I would have no questions. I will sample the best life has offered me and share it with people I love.

I'm not saying you should try skydiving. I am saying to not stop the people who want to.

I am not wasting this life or the next.  

the gayness of it all

I do sincerely hope that your children (or any of the people you know and love, for that matter) won’t turn out to be gay. It is such a shame to know that their own parents never fought for their rights.

I do hope your god will bestow upon them the same love, respect and kindness you've shown to other people.

I hope no one will hurt them and tell them that they do not belong in this world. I hope they can find it in themselves to be happy. They deserve peace.

I hope no one will look upon you and think less of you.

I am sure that you are proud of how you spent your time here on earth.

Death may be years away. Or it may be the next second. For now, I will try to be kind especially when it has become the hardest thing to do. 

I will do this, not because a book says to do so or else feel the wrath of god. I do not fear eternal damnation. I will do this because people are just flecks and our time in this world is such a short one to waste on hate, greed, and prejudice. I will do this because I know how it feels like to be hurt by people who do not even know you. I will do this because I was taught to love.

Love invented words like art, poetry, laughter, pizza, home.
Yet it also brought about loneliness, mental institution, utter wreckage.

On some days, some words are more powerful than the others.
Today is pain.

The only redeeming factor? The word "Stubborn". Love has and will always remain.

I am daring to say that I might have loved you since the first time I saw you.
And every day that I spend with you, from then on, just proved that I was absolutely right. In that first moment, I have loved only you.

dear awi,

i have a suspicion that we are happy inside our bubble. it's when other people come in that ruins it for us. 

but it's not true, is it? this bubble? 

i know you'll never agree to this. not even in my wildest dreams. 

not even if i pray real hard. 

not even if i beg and bleed.

despite that, i still want you to know i'll always want an "us". i'll keep on rooting for this team. i hope someday you'll be brave enough to admit you want that same "us".  but i want it to be our definition. not just mine.

did it ever occur to you that maybe i'm not a substitute for a love that was lost? maybe this was the love you were supposed to find. or not. haha. there are so many maybes. it's fucked up.

all i know is that whatever this is, it scares the shit out of you.

i know it's hard but i was hoping you would choose me over that pain. to just breathe beside me now. 

i guess.. it's choosing to be happy that proves to be the most difficult because in that head of yours, you don't really want to be happy. at least not yet.

it's ok. i want you to choose to break my heart instead. i'll live.

cheers,

mich

idiot 101

the hardest part of loving someone you're not supposed to love is knowing exactly when to stop.
we're idiots, you see? i'm the leader. and i'm still struggling, ok?

but do you want to know a secret? i may have finally figured it out.

just let her break your heart faster than she can heal it. then maybe it will remain broken. and it won't beat for her again.

i don't know if that's what i really want -- a broken heart that will never beat for me nor for anyone else. i'm still working out the kinks. but nobody should ever get used to feeling lonely. feeling all this pain.

i guess.. all i really want is for a heart to beat with mine. not another heart to beat for.

she looked at me. and with those wide eyes, openly wondered why we'd get this stabbing pain in our chests whenever we get our hearts broken.

i nod.
and smile.
and agree.

but what i don't tell her is that i don't just feel it there.
i feel it at the tips of my fingers.
and with every breath,
i hurt all over.


i feel it from deep within.
and sometimes,
if i don't hug myself hard enough,
i feel like i'm going to be obliterated into nothing.

i have to tell you something..
i have to tell you now or i will never be able to say it..
i love you.

and i don't care if you'll never say it back.
i am finally going to give myself permission to feel.
hurt.
sadness.
joy.
but most of all, i feel love.

i tried to stop it. ignored it.
but your gravity holds me.
i know i will pass your roche's limit and you will soon obliterate me.
i can't do anything about it.
but i don't care.
i want you to know that you are loved.

sometimes, i wonder if i ever made the slightest scratch in your life to merit a memory..
even a tiny one where you'll say.. "ahh. that was mich"..
and maybe cause you to raise the corners of your lips.
not enough to be called a smile. no, that would be farfetched, i guess.
no, not a smile but something that could have been the beginning of one.

you painted a picture of me. is this how you see me?
it's so different from what i see of myself. of you. of us.
i'm sorry. if i stare at it for so long, i am afraid that i will accept it as a truth. i have to go. i do not want to forget who i am. i will finish my own painting.

i’ve always wondered what it would be like to put my ear to your chest and listen to your heart beat.

now that you’re in my arms, i can’t imagine anything better than feeling your heart beating next to mine.

i used to think that sadness is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. but now, i think that it is far more troubling to feel nothing.. absolutely nothing.. towards things that used to bring a smile to your lips. 

hmm.. it's a curious thing, this emptiness.

p.s.
wag ka assuming gerrrl. d na kita type. hahahaha

fish

there’s a lot of fishes in the sea, they say.

but for some people, you are not just another fish.
fishes are weighed, measured, segregated and classified.
poked and prodded. cooped up in aquariums.

for some people, you are the entire ocean.
angry, serene, turbulent.. beautiful.
the best of you. the worst of you. and they will choose both.
those people will always look forward to setting sail in your waters.

don’t forget who you are to me.

tsunami

there is just something achingly beautiful about how the waves never stop kissing the shore.. no matter how many times it is being pulled back and swept away. it rushes back home. 

why can't i give you up for the ocean?

i am a wave and you are my shore.

walk away

i knew the exact moment you became more than just another face in the crowd.

and no, it wasn’t your smile nor how you unknowingly put one on my face as well.
it wasn't how you seem to put everything in perspective.
no, it wasn't how cute you were when you said that the moon is just as big as my thumbnail. hmm.. the night sky does not seem so sad anymore.

it was when i started to read your words, every letter flowing out through your mouth that wells from your heart.
i didn't realise.. i never would have guessed. i awoke one day and suddenly valued the things that you hold dear. family friends career.

but the shitty thing about that is i also started feeling so selfish. just unbelievably selfish..
when i realised i almost broke you.. broke me.. broke the people around us.. just to keep you. with me. just a few more seconds of you.

there is no better way to make you feel the scope of how much i feel for you.
i will say good bye. not because i'm afraid. not because i have given up.
i choose your heart even if it shatters mine. keep your heart whole, babe.
i hope, one day, you will see how much you have meant to me. sometimes, missing you can be just as strong as loving you.

best things in life

you know what the best thing about you is? 

you don’t notice it.. but people want to give you the world and you’re not even asking for it.
you’re only asking for a kitkat bar. or someone who’ll listen to you talk about the level of stupidity some people can attain.
you’re not asking for a hero nor perfection because you know it doesn’t exist.
but then i want to try to be perfect anyway.. not because you demand it.. but because i think you deserve someone like that (or at least close to it). you make me want to be a better person.

you don’t see it.. but you do deserve the world. 
you deserve to be loved fiercely or none at all.

fear

stop being stupid. 

there’s nothing wrong with your love. 

your love is awesome. and whole. 

it’s the people you’re loving that is the problem. fear. just too much of it. she has to be fearless.

so hold her hand. don’t let go.

be fearless for the both of you until she learns that fear is not real.

but never let go of her hand.
because your hand is the only thing that is real. you are real. 

Did you hurt me?

No.

Not enough to cripple me.

It’s the nipped-in-the-bud kind of hurt. The hurt that knows this is never going to blossom into anything more, no matter how beautiful I think it is or should be.

It’s the kind of hurt that is sorry it will never see that it will become.

It’s not meaning a thing to anyone but letting someone be all that is meaningful to you.

It’s the kind of hurt where you’re running towards a cliff, all poised for flight.. but you stumble on a stupid pebble and fall face first. You get up.  And smile.. you're even thankful.. knowing you didn’t jump off a cliff. But it still fucking hurts bitch.

It does hurt.

But I can force a laugh. I can do it all night if I have to. And someday soon, that laugh will be real.