on stress and acid reflux

I'm confused.

Not about my sexuality of course. When you're in 2nd grade and you keep on kissing your seatmate with pink bows, its more of a revelation that you were never straight to begin with.

I'm confused about my feelings and what I should do.


I've always thought that when you're in a relationship, you learn to depend on each other and you know who always goes first. There's no such thing as love that is "chill" or barely there. Love is supposed to be this thing that excites you and makes you giddy and makes you crazy. It's supposed to be extremely cheezyy.. It's when you're looking for her at the mall and when you finally see her, you can't help but give her this 10kilowatt smile that's brighter than the mall spotlights. It's feeling.. whole.

 

I feel those things, mind you, but what if the other doesn't? What if she has a different definition of it? What if she used to be all those things but then something changed and then she's not like that anymore?What if that's her new definition of love?

-_-      zzzZZZZ...

I'm scared that one day, I won't have those feelings for her. Being kilig. Hurrying home just to have dinner together. Waiting for her to wake up before texting her. Cancelling some plans just to support her. It's been more than three years now and I still feel the same way.. I still crave for the minutes together.. I still have that silly smile whenever I remember the weird things she does.

I'll try to be chill. I will try so hard because what I'm feeling for her right now is not chill at all.

This is my promise : 
- I solemnly swear to stop singing loveydovey songs for you the next time we go to Redbox and just sing those emo rock songs instead. You won't have to pry the mike from my hands. Because rock songs make me look cool.
- The next time we meet up, I'll give you a cursory nod and a small smirk. Because I'm maangas like that.
- I solemnly swear to prevent starvation by eating dinner at the office before the very long ride home. You will probably be still asleep and wake up at around 11pm anyway.
- I will not make those origami things and stick cheezy love letters in them. Because it's so highschool.
- I will not surprise you with out of town trips. Because you will probably have other plans anyway and you can't cancel on them.
- I will not be threatened by your guys friends even if you're sweeter to them than to me. Because that's just irrational fear, right? Friends will only be friends. Because every girl should have a guy friend they can hug.
- I will ignore tweets to your crushes like 'kinikilig ako pag nakikita kita'. Even if it feels like being stabbed by a million toothpicks, they don't mean anything because being in love means you should not be cheesy. That was sooo cheesy, therefore, you are not in love. And because they are just crushes and crushes won't develop into anything else.. ever, right?
- I will still be there for you.. (this one I can't give up. that's because you suck in taking care of yourself.)
- ....

This is stressing me out. I hope I don't have bald spots now.

I dunno.. Maybe when I grow older, I'll be more 'chill'.. Maybe I will learn to hide or tone down my feelings.. I'm 28 and I'm still just a hopeless romantic.