Roots

 My love is deeply rooted.

A seed that found its place, when first I glimpsed your face.

Though time and distance kept us apart, that seed lay dormant, 

Waiting patiently beneath the surface.

After all these years, it has sprouted into a tender tree, 

Delicate yet resilient. 

I know this tree is still so young, its branches small and thin,
But like my love, it will grow stronger
A force that even the strongest storms cannot win.

(Although, it was never weak in the first place)

These roots have woven through my soul,
Entwining every inch of me.
They anchor deep, beyond my hold,
A bond that breathes in all I am.

Should you choose to uproot it, I fear the very earth beneath it would crumble,
For you hold the power to unravel me completely.

But I pray you choose to water it,
To let it drink the rain.

My deepest wish, my most cherished hope,
Is that we’ll tend our garden together,
With patience and tenderness,

Until it blossoms into a sanctuary,
Where we can rest beneath its gentle shade.

Why?

You’ve often asked why I love you,

And each time, I fumble with words—

Not for lack of feeling, but simply because I do not have the words to capture it.

My love, I am no poet.

To simply praise your beauty feels like touching the surface of an ocean,
When what I feel for you runs deep,
Far beyond the reach of mere appearance.

The truth is, I cannot predict the future;
It's a vast, uncharted sea.
I carry fears within me, countless as the stars—
Fears of the unknown, fears of what may come.
But even in the face of these fears,
I find myself drawn to the journey,
Eager to see what lies ahead.

And in that unknown,
I know one thing with certainty:
I want to walk this path with you by my side,
To face the dawns and dusks together,
To discover the future hand in hand.

I know I love you,
For despite my fears, 

I find myself standing here.

I love you because,

In your presence, 

I forget what it means to be afraid.

For with you,
I am brave. I am home.
And with you,
Even though, I yearn to be more than I am..
I am also enough.

I've had conversations with friends asking me why I did the things I did (referring to skydiving, scuba, etc). I've never really given a concrete answer - I just told them I was "curious".

It always felt like it was not enough of a reason and gave me a bad taste in my mouth.

In reality, I just did not want to ask them why they are guarding themselves so much. What is the goal? To reach 90? And then what? 

(P.S. I'm not an idiot. I do have savings in case I reach 90 hahahaha)

I've often asked myself these questions. I know I am not a bad person. I have been judged for giving myself to people whom I know cannot repay me. I have always believed you cannot love a person who is gone. So love now. Give now. Live now. 

If I die young, I will have one regret though. I would have loved to wake up with my person and prepare coffee for her in our kitchen. Then tended to our garden while she stayed in the shade because she will probably kill my plants if she as much as winked at them. We would have prepared lunch together. Our humba would be renamed/rebranded as adobo since we didn't get our measurements right.

God willing, I do hope to deserve that too. 

But ohhh man, I know I would have no questions. I will sample the best life has offered me and share it with people I love.

I'm not saying you should try skydiving. I am saying to not stop the people who want to.

I am not wasting this life or the next.  

the gayness of it all

I do sincerely hope that your children (or any of the people you know and love, for that matter) won’t turn out to be gay. It is such a shame to know that their own parents never fought for their rights.

I do hope your god will bestow upon them the same love, respect and kindness you've shown to other people.

I hope no one will hurt them and tell them that they do not belong in this world. I hope they can find it in themselves to be happy. They deserve peace.

I hope no one will look upon you and think less of you.

I am sure that you are proud of how you spent your time here on earth.

Death may be years away. Or it may be the next second. For now, I will try to be kind especially when it has become the hardest thing to do. 

I will do this, not because a book says to do so or else feel the wrath of god. I do not fear eternal damnation. I will do this because people are just flecks and our time in this world is such a short one to waste on hate, greed, and prejudice. I will do this because I know how it feels like to be hurt by people who do not even know you. I will do this because I was taught to love.

Love invented words like art, poetry, laughter, pizza, home.
Yet it also brought about loneliness, mental institution, utter wreckage.

On some days, some words are more powerful than the others.
Today is pain.

The only redeeming factor? The word "Stubborn". Love has and will always remain.

I am daring to say that I might have loved you since the first time I saw you.
And every day that I spend with you, from then on, just proved that I was absolutely right. In that first moment, I have loved only you.

dear awi,

i have a suspicion that we are happy inside our bubble. it's when other people come in that ruins it for us. 

but it's not true, is it? this bubble? 

i know you'll never agree to this. not even in my wildest dreams. 

not even if i pray real hard. 

not even if i beg and bleed.

despite that, i still want you to know i'll always want an "us". i'll keep on rooting for this team. i hope someday you'll be brave enough to admit you want that same "us".  but i want it to be our definition. not just mine.

did it ever occur to you that maybe i'm not a substitute for a love that was lost? maybe this was the love you were supposed to find. or not. haha. there are so many maybes. it's fucked up.

all i know is that whatever this is, it scares the shit out of you.

i know it's hard but i was hoping you would choose me over that pain. to just breathe beside me now. 

i guess.. it's choosing to be happy that proves to be the most difficult because in that head of yours, you don't really want to be happy. at least not yet.

it's ok. i want you to choose to break my heart instead. i'll live.

cheers,

mich