idiot 101

the hardest part of loving someone you're not supposed to love is knowing exactly when to stop.
we're idiots, you see? i'm the leader. and i'm still struggling, ok?

but do you want to know a secret? i may have finally figured it out.

just let her break your heart faster than she can heal it. then maybe it will remain broken. and it won't beat for her again.

i don't know if that's what i really want -- a broken heart that will never beat for me nor for anyone else. i'm still working out the kinks. but nobody should ever get used to feeling lonely. feeling all this pain.

i guess.. all i really want is for a heart to beat with mine. not another heart to beat for.

she looked at me. and with those wide eyes, openly wondered why we'd get this stabbing pain in our chests whenever we get our hearts broken.

i nod.
and smile.
and agree.

but what i don't tell her is that i don't just feel it there.
i feel it at the tips of my fingers.
and with every breath,
i hurt all over.


i feel it from deep within.
and sometimes,
if i don't hug myself hard enough,
i feel like i'm going to be obliterated into nothing.

i have to tell you something..
i have to tell you now or i will never be able to say it..
i love you.

and i don't care if you'll never say it back.
i am finally going to give myself permission to feel.
hurt.
sadness.
joy.
but most of all, i feel love.

i tried to stop it. ignored it.
but your gravity holds me.
i know i will pass your roche's limit and you will soon obliterate me.
i can't do anything about it.
but i don't care.
i want you to know that you are loved.

sometimes, i wonder if i ever made the slightest scratch in your life to merit a memory..
even a tiny one where you'll say.. "ahh. that was mich"..
and maybe cause you to raise the corners of your lips.
not enough to be called a smile. no, that would be farfetched, i guess.
no, not a smile but something that could have been the beginning of one.

you painted a picture of me. is this how you see me?
it's so different from what i see of myself. of you. of us.
i'm sorry. if i stare at it for so long, i am afraid that i will accept it as a truth. i have to go. i do not want to forget who i am. i will finish my own painting.

i’ve always wondered what it would be like to put my ear to your chest and listen to your heart beat.

now that you’re in my arms, i can’t imagine anything better than feeling your heart beating next to mine.

i used to think that sadness is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. but now, i think that it is far more troubling to feel nothing.. absolutely nothing.. towards things that used to bring a smile to your lips. 

hmm.. it's a curious thing, this emptiness.

p.s.
wag ka assuming gerrrl. d na kita type. hahahaha