The Sweet Far Thing

I like this. Same word popped out of my head. Restless.


"Do you ever feel that way?"

"Lonely?"

I search for the words. "Restless. As if you haven't really met yourself yet. As if you'd passed yourself once in the fog, and your heart leapt - 'Ah! There I Am! I've been missing that piece!' But it happens too fast, and then that part of you disappears into the fog again. And you spend the rest of your days looking for it."

He nods, and I think he's appeasing me. I feel stupid of having said it. It's sentimental and true, and I've revealed a part of myself I shouldn't have.

"Do you know what I think?" Kartik says at last.

"What?"

"Sometimes, I think you can glimpse it in another.”


-- Libba Bray

lost

I go out a lot recently.

And I'm tired. My eye bags have become eye suitcases.

But I can't stop.

Because if I stop, sometimes I feel lonely.
Or maybe I'm not lonely at all.

I am restless.

I think I might be restless.
I'm generally happy. It's just that.. I can't help but notice that something is missing.

I lost something.

What thing?

I dunno...

What is it?

-___-




I might have given it to her and now she's gone.

Or maybe it wasn't her after all.

I've forgotten what I've lost.



Is it "me"?

Am I looking for myself?

Pffft. No.

No. I've found myself long before I've found anyone else. I'm still me.
Still the same.
Same goofy smile.
Same random thoughts.

What the fuck am I looking for?


Hmm..

That part of my soul.



I can't help it. I'm made this way. I've always believed that we're all here for love.
Always for love.
There doesn't seem to be a point for anything else.

Yes.

That part of my soul is missing.

I am not lonely. I am restless. Restless. I can't stop looking for you.

Where are you?


I'll send out a beacon for you. I'll travel the world if I have to.

I'll come and find you.

boom.

I love you.

I do.

You have my word.

You have all my words.

you fucktard.

Sometimes people fall, not because of the person per se.
But because you see how fiercely she loves another. Or how fiercely she is loved. And you want that for yourself. That fierce love.. That crazy crazy feeling. That elation. An addiction.

People are selfish. But I can't be selfish. I don't want that. I don't want to be that person. I can't be that person. I will let go.

a letter.

Dear Person,

Pain demands to be felt. And when you're in the midst of it, you just want it to hurry the fuck up. You grovel and sniffle and pray for it to be over.
Now that it's finally over.. Now that I don't breakdown whenever I see you.
I just want to tell you a couple of stuff..

If you think that no one liked you, I want you to know that I liked you every single day. I did.
Despite all the hurts, I really liked my every days with you.
I loved waking up with you in my arms. I loved the scent you left on our pillows.
I loved every weird smile. Every weird expression.
I stared at you until I memorized every nook and cranny. Every twitch of your lips. Every crinkle of your nose. Your eyes. Those amazing eyes.
At that moment, I would have not held a grudge if God would take away my eyesight.. if only my last sight is the sight of you.
I loved you so.
And I had no regrets. I brought you flowers. I held your hand.

I was there. I still am.. if you need me.

I think that I'll always love you. Not as intensely of course. But a different kind of love.
A love that I will always carry with me. A love that is just for you. A love that is truly yours and yours alone.
Take care.

Cheers,
Mich

kisapmata

Staring at you. I see you.
I see you looking at her.
I wish someone would look at me that way.
Someday.
Maybe.
That look. I know that look. Someone used to look at me that way too.
That certain angle. A small twitch of the lips. A certain light in your eyes.
Yes. I've seen that before.
I remember what it means.
You should know that, without a doubt, you are loved.
That look that says 'Hey. I love you'.
Keep looking at her that way. Never stop.

autumn

I woke up at 3am and just couldn't fall asleep again. After a few minutes of browsing the net, I decided to finally watch that movie I've always had in my phone but never got around to watching. 500 days of Summer.

What the hell. There's no other movie I could relate more to right now.

I'm her 4 year and 5 month rebound.

And how did I come up with that conclusion? Well.. ganito kasi un.
She loves/d me but she was never really in love with me. Not at all. Not in the least bit. She was happy (I think) but maybe she was never really elated to be with me. You know that feeling where you know there is nothing else in the world that is better? Yah. That feeling of knowing.

I know it wasn't my fault. I was so hurt the couple of days because I've only remembered all the good days we had. And boy, there were a lot. I've always seen the best about her. How she's kind and loving. How she can make anyone laugh. How she gives. I still remember that right now. I'll always see her that way.

Now I also remembered that..
.. It took her a year to get over her ex while she was with me. She was even excited to go to Tagaytay (even spearheaded the planning) with her friends when her ex arrived. Of course bawal ako dun. But I was a foolish trusting person that time pa e. And many more ex stories.
.. No excitement about monthsaries or anniversaries or birthdays or whatever.. while I planned to the nose for those kind of things.
.. Would rather be with friends than be with me. For some reason, she couldn't cancel whatever they had planned even if I was pissed at her. Or would act all weird if I stuck too often and too near her. I can hear her mental "Shoo. Go away".
.. I fell over and over and over again even though she breaks my heart after every flirting episode.
.. Says sorry but it seems that she never means it.. knows I get wrecked but still does it again. Over and over again.
.. Freaks out whenever talk of kids or marriage (especially marriage) is brought up. I don't have plans yet. I like to keep that option open. But I've never freaked out that hard over it.
.. In constant need of space.

Space. Most people said it's because we were never apart. But they're wrong. I'm at the office from 9am to 9pm. I see friends. She has all the time for her friends and other hobbies. I get to see her for about 2 hours a day. I talk to her for about 30 mins before I lose her again to whatever it was she was doing before. Those 30 minutes are the only reason I hurry home.

I know it's not wrong to love her with all my heart. Most people look for that.
I wasn't trying to push myself upon her. I was just trying to be present.

In retrospect, my only mistake was being too present. I should have been an asshole but I'm not. Could not. Would not. I think that's the problem. She gets bored with the nice ones. Maybe she hasn't gotten over pining for the #medyobadboy.

I don't think she means to be an asshole to me. I think she can't help it at all. Because when everyone has settled and I'm snoring beside her.. When she's all alone, she knows something is missing. Na I'm not enough. And I think that's why she's being an asshole.

I kept on replaying that moment. I kept thinking that maybe I shouldn't have gotten angry. I should have accepted her apology.. But I had every right to be angry. I had every right to walk out.

The thing is.. we have different definitions of love. Love for me is her Papa Ludz and Mama Babes. Her grandparents in Bacolod. My mom and stepdad. The couple on UP (toon movie with balloons and all). I just don't know what it means for her.

I've decided to just stop crying.. mostly because I've been crying for a couple of years now. It's not my job to change her. My job was only to hold her when she's upset.. And if she changes, I do hope I'm still here to love whatever she has become. I would like that very much. But like Tom in the movie, I'll look forward to my first day with Autumn.