I am daring to say that I might have loved you since the first time I saw you.
And every day that I spend with you, from then on, just proved that I was absolutely right. In that first moment, I have loved only you.

dear awi,

i have a suspicion that we are happy inside our bubble. it's when other people come in that ruins it for us. 

but it's not true, is it? this bubble? 

i know you'll never agree to this. not even in my wildest dreams. 

not even if i pray real hard. 

not even if i beg and bleed.

despite that, i still want you to know i'll always want an "us". i'll keep on rooting for this team. i hope someday you'll be brave enough to admit you want that same "us".  but i want it to be our definition. not just mine.

did it ever occur to you that maybe i'm not a substitute for a love that was lost? maybe this was the love you were supposed to find. or not. haha. there are so many maybes. it's fucked up.

all i know is that whatever this is, it scares the shit out of you.

i know it's hard but i was hoping you would choose me over that pain. to just breathe beside me now. 

i guess.. it's choosing to be happy that proves to be the most difficult because in that head of yours, you don't really want to be happy. at least not yet.

it's ok. i want you to choose to break my heart instead. i'll live.

cheers,

mich

idiot 101

the hardest part of loving someone you're not supposed to love is knowing exactly when to stop.
we're idiots, you see? i'm the leader. and i'm still struggling, ok?

but do you want to know a secret? i may have finally figured it out.

just let her break your heart faster than she can heal it. then maybe it will remain broken. and it won't beat for her again.

i don't know if that's what i really want -- a broken heart that will never beat for me nor for anyone else. i'm still working out the kinks. but nobody should ever get used to feeling lonely. feeling all this pain.

i guess.. all i really want is for a heart to beat with mine. not another heart to beat for.

she looked at me. and with those wide eyes, openly wondered why we'd get this stabbing pain in our chests whenever we get our hearts broken.

i nod.
and smile.
and agree.

but what i don't tell her is that i don't just feel it there.
i feel it at the tips of my fingers.
and with every breath,
i hurt all over.


i feel it from deep within.
and sometimes,
if i don't hug myself hard enough,
i feel like i'm going to be obliterated into nothing.

i have to tell you something..
i have to tell you now or i will never be able to say it..
i love you.

and i don't care if you'll never say it back.
i am finally going to give myself permission to feel.
hurt.
sadness.
joy.
but most of all, i feel love.

i tried to stop it. ignored it.
but your gravity holds me.
i know i will pass your roche's limit and you will soon obliterate me.
i can't do anything about it.
but i don't care.
i want you to know that you are loved.

sometimes, i wonder if i ever made the slightest scratch in your life to merit a memory..
even a tiny one where you'll say.. "ahh. that was mich"..
and maybe cause you to raise the corners of your lips.
not enough to be called a smile. no, that would be farfetched, i guess.
no, not a smile but something that could have been the beginning of one.

you painted a picture of me. is this how you see me?
it's so different from what i see of myself. of you. of us.
i'm sorry. if i stare at it for so long, i am afraid that i will accept it as a truth. i have to go. i do not want to forget who i am. i will finish my own painting.

i’ve always wondered what it would be like to put my ear to your chest and listen to your heart beat.

now that you’re in my arms, i can’t imagine anything better than feeling your heart beating next to mine.

i used to think that sadness is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. but now, i think that it is far more troubling to feel nothing.. absolutely nothing.. towards things that used to bring a smile to your lips. 

hmm.. it's a curious thing, this emptiness.

p.s.
wag ka assuming gerrrl. d na kita type. hahahaha

fish

there’s a lot of fishes in the sea, they say.

but for some people, you are not just another fish.
fishes are weighed, measured, segregated and classified.
poked and prodded. cooped up in aquariums.

for some people, you are the entire ocean.
angry, serene, turbulent.. beautiful.
the best of you. the worst of you. and they will choose both.
those people will always look forward to setting sail in your waters.

don’t forget who you are to me.

tsunami

there is just something achingly beautiful about how the waves never stop kissing the shore.. no matter how many times it is being pulled back and swept away. it rushes back home. 

why can't i give you up for the ocean?

i am a wave and you are my shore.

walk away

i knew the exact moment you became more than just another face in the crowd.

and no, it wasn’t your smile nor how you unknowingly put one on my face as well.
it wasn't how you seem to put everything in perspective.
no, it wasn't how cute you were when you said that the moon is just as big as my thumbnail. hmm.. the night sky does not seem so sad anymore.

it was when i started to read your words, every letter flowing out through your mouth that wells from your heart.
i didn't realise.. i never would have guessed. i awoke one day and suddenly valued the things that you hold dear. family friends career.

but the shitty thing about that is i also started feeling so selfish. just unbelievably selfish..
when i realised i almost broke you.. broke me.. broke the people around us.. just to keep you. with me. just a few more seconds of you.

there is no better way to make you feel the scope of how much i feel for you.
i will say good bye. not because i'm afraid. not because i have given up.
i choose your heart even if it shatters mine. keep your heart whole, babe.
i hope, one day, you will see how much you have meant to me. sometimes, missing you can be just as strong as loving you.

best things in life

you know what the best thing about you is? 

you don’t notice it.. but people want to give you the world and you’re not even asking for it.
you’re only asking for a kitkat bar. or someone who’ll listen to you talk about the level of stupidity some people can attain.
you’re not asking for a hero nor perfection because you know it doesn’t exist.
but then i want to try to be perfect anyway.. not because you demand it.. but because i think you deserve someone like that (or at least close to it). you make me want to be a better person.

you don’t see it.. but you do deserve the world. 
you deserve to be loved fiercely or none at all.

fear

stop being stupid. 

there’s nothing wrong with your love. 

your love is awesome. and whole. 

it’s the people you’re loving that is the problem. fear. just too much of it. she has to be fearless.

so hold her hand. don’t let go.

be fearless for the both of you until she learns that fear is not real.

but never let go of her hand.
because your hand is the only thing that is real. you are real. 

Did you hurt me?

No.

Not enough to cripple me.

It’s the nipped-in-the-bud kind of hurt. The hurt that knows this is never going to blossom into anything more, no matter how beautiful I think it is or should be.

It’s the kind of hurt that is sorry it will never see that it will become.

It’s not meaning a thing to anyone but letting someone be all that is meaningful to you.

It’s the kind of hurt where you’re running towards a cliff, all poised for flight.. but you stumble on a stupid pebble and fall face first. You get up.  And smile.. you're even thankful.. knowing you didn’t jump off a cliff. But it still fucking hurts bitch.

It does hurt.

But I can force a laugh. I can do it all night if I have to. And someday soon, that laugh will be real.

something stupid like i love you

i'm not going to tell you something stupid like "i'll climb the highest mountains for you and pick some shitty flower that only grows there".. 

nope. the truth is, i'll probably freeze my ass off and die before i even get to that mountain.

all I really want is to be wrapped in you. and if you let me.. i'll make you fall in love with me every day.

how?

How, you ask? 

Some days, I’ll bring you flowers and chase you around until you accept it. I promise to never stop chasing.

Most of the time, I’ll just sit quietly beside you. I may look bored. I probably am so don’t deprive me by hiding behind the menu whenever I stare at you.

Some moments, I’ll ask you to dance with me. All I really want is to be wrapped in you. I’ll whisper things only you should hear.

At times, I’ll bug the shit out of you and make you want to punch all of my teeth out.

At other times, I won’t even talk to you at all. I’ll just send you a picture of something fluffy. And just say "flufffyyyy!!!" and "My tea is yummy!". And you’ll think I’m just making small talk. But I want to tell you even the most insignificant details of my life because all that I think about are thoughts of you and how you might be doing, too. 

There are days where I’ll talk until your ear bleeds and you start imagining the many ways you’ll rip my vocal chords out.

Some days, I won’t even say as much. Not even a hi. Or my usual "waddup!”. And you’ll think I love you less.. that I only love you sometimes.

So this is how I will love you … a complete mess. But never doubt that I love you.

ladies and gentlemen

everyone is different. 
 
i am not saying this to pass judgment upon others. it is just my personal opinion that 'playing around' is not very challenging. 

it bores me. 
i've always had the impression that it's easier to get girls than to keep women. relationships are hard work.

gentlemen/women do exist. it is not a weakness. it is my strength. people feel safe around me because i keep them safe. it's not a coincidence. 

i am a gentleman to my core and i refuse to change that. lels.
so, YOU.. yes YOU J.. i will see you soon. wait for me.

no hellos

I don’t want to know whether you take your coffee with milk, or whether you prefer it with sugar. I don’t want to know whether your mind runs smoothest under the rising sun, or whether you come alive at night; become electric as the world falls asleep. I don’t want to know about the small town you grew up in, I don’t want to know about your older brother and I don’t want to know about your younger sister — I don’t want to know about the way you love them so unconditionally, how they drive you to be the best possible version of yourself.

I don’t want to know, because I understand what it means to know these things. And I’m not ready — not yet, at least — for all that comes with it.

Now that I think about it, I guess that’s why I didn’t say hello – to erase the possibility, the inevitability of ever having to say goodbye. And I could tell, just by looking at you, from all the way over there in the corner — that saying goodbye to you wasn’t something I’d want to do. Not now, not all over again, not with you.

#fuckthis

I don't think about you a lot. I've never even dreamt about you. Or maybe I have but my brain fears for my sanity so it hid you in the deepest corners. I try so hard not to think about you. But sometimes, this irritating small voice pops up when I'm totally empty and vulnerable. Wanna know what it says? It says "i wish you were mine". Loud and clear. Extremely annoying. And I know I shouldn't. My ragged heart can't take what you have in store.

But I can't stop it. I want to punch that little voice in the throat. Rip out it's chords and grill it. Fuck you. 

It pops up in the most awkward moments too. Sometimes when I'm staring at you. At other times when I'm with someone who deserves me. And whom I deserve.

And I hate it. I hate it with a vengeance. I have never hated a thought this much before. Because no matter how much I deny it.. No matter how much my brain muffles that voice.. There are no words truer than what that little voice is saying. 

I hate you. I do. I hate how you are so far away. And how you love your freedom too much. I hate that you are so adorable. And how you wanted me to hug you. I hate that your heart is just too hard to hold on to. I ignored you for so long. Maybe I shouldn't have. I should have seen you.

You bitch. You stole my heart. Give it baaacckk.


P.S.
Ok. So maybe I do think about you a lot.

so very very cute.

"you're cute". 

what i really want to tell you is that "i really like you. i could talk to you all day and not be bored at all. i am calm because i know you exist in my world. right here. right now. and knowing you're there, always makes me smile. i know you're not perfect but, to me, it feels like you are." 

but i won't say it because it sounds creepy. so.. "you're cute".

all the small things

a friend of mine once said that i get too excited about the little things. 

well.. i enjoy being happy. 

why wait for just the big things? small things count and should be counted. happy is happy no matter what the intensity of it is. appreciate every moment, my darling. life is short. 

don't reserve your smiles for an idealistic notion. smile. smile.