autumn

I woke up at 3am and just couldn't fall asleep again. After a few minutes of browsing the net, I decided to finally watch that movie I've always had in my phone but never got around to watching. 500 days of Summer.

What the hell. There's no other movie I could relate more to right now.

I'm her 4 year and 5 month rebound.

And how did I come up with that conclusion? Well.. ganito kasi un.
She loves/d me but she was never really in love with me. Not at all. Not in the least bit. She was happy (I think) but maybe she was never really elated to be with me. You know that feeling where you know there is nothing else in the world that is better? Yah. That feeling of knowing.

I know it wasn't my fault. I was so hurt the couple of days because I've only remembered all the good days we had. And boy, there were a lot. I've always seen the best about her. How she's kind and loving. How she can make anyone laugh. How she gives. I still remember that right now. I'll always see her that way.

Now I also remembered that..
.. It took her a year to get over her ex while she was with me. She was even excited to go to Tagaytay (even spearheaded the planning) with her friends when her ex arrived. Of course bawal ako dun. But I was a foolish trusting person that time pa e. And many more ex stories.
.. No excitement about monthsaries or anniversaries or birthdays or whatever.. while I planned to the nose for those kind of things.
.. Would rather be with friends than be with me. For some reason, she couldn't cancel whatever they had planned even if I was pissed at her. Or would act all weird if I stuck too often and too near her. I can hear her mental "Shoo. Go away".
.. I fell over and over and over again even though she breaks my heart after every flirting episode.
.. Says sorry but it seems that she never means it.. knows I get wrecked but still does it again. Over and over again.
.. Freaks out whenever talk of kids or marriage (especially marriage) is brought up. I don't have plans yet. I like to keep that option open. But I've never freaked out that hard over it.
.. In constant need of space.

Space. Most people said it's because we were never apart. But they're wrong. I'm at the office from 9am to 9pm. I see friends. She has all the time for her friends and other hobbies. I get to see her for about 2 hours a day. I talk to her for about 30 mins before I lose her again to whatever it was she was doing before. Those 30 minutes are the only reason I hurry home.

I know it's not wrong to love her with all my heart. Most people look for that.
I wasn't trying to push myself upon her. I was just trying to be present.

In retrospect, my only mistake was being too present. I should have been an asshole but I'm not. Could not. Would not. I think that's the problem. She gets bored with the nice ones. Maybe she hasn't gotten over pining for the #medyobadboy.

I don't think she means to be an asshole to me. I think she can't help it at all. Because when everyone has settled and I'm snoring beside her.. When she's all alone, she knows something is missing. Na I'm not enough. And I think that's why she's being an asshole.

I kept on replaying that moment. I kept thinking that maybe I shouldn't have gotten angry. I should have accepted her apology.. But I had every right to be angry. I had every right to walk out.

The thing is.. we have different definitions of love. Love for me is her Papa Ludz and Mama Babes. Her grandparents in Bacolod. My mom and stepdad. The couple on UP (toon movie with balloons and all). I just don't know what it means for her.

I've decided to just stop crying.. mostly because I've been crying for a couple of years now. It's not my job to change her. My job was only to hold her when she's upset.. And if she changes, I do hope I'm still here to love whatever she has become. I would like that very much. But like Tom in the movie, I'll look forward to my first day with Autumn.